The other night my husband eagerly asked if we could use our joint Netflix time to watch Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. He quickly added that I could veto his choice, but he looked so excited that I couldn't say no. I felt the nerd-mones in my blood rise... I'm enough of a dork without having seen any Star Trek movies, so I just prayed that viewing one wouldn't send me straight into a geek coma.
I think my agreeableness was quickly cancelled out by the fact that I had many questions to voice during the movie. Hey, I like to thoroughly understand everything I watch, and though it was no Inception, I still had some general inquiries about this 1982 cinematic gem. Here they are, in no particular order:
1. Halfway through the movie, Captain (I mean, Admiral) Kirk crosses paths with a former flame. He then discovers a blond, curly-haired young man who turns out to be (surprise!) his son. This may be presumptuous, but in the year 3 MILLION (or whatever year it's supposed to be), haven't people figured out how to prevent unplanned pregnancies? Furthermore, the son looked about fifteen years (at best) younger than his parents.
2. Why does one character have a Scottish accent and another one sound Russian? These people are routinely travelling all over the universe and probably have been for most of their lives... wouldn't they just sound neutral at this point?!
3. Please explain how the "beam me up" thing works. If people can just beam themselves places, why do they even need spaceships? I'm sure there's a detailed explanation for this, and I welcome it.
4. Kirstie Alley plays the steely female Vulcan ship commander. Whose casting choice was this? When I thoughtfully brought this up, Howard simply reasoned that "Kirstie Alley was hot **** in the eighties," and we moved on. I still wasn't convinced.
5. Let's talk about Khan and his so-called "wrath." First of all, "wrath" is a strong word to use when referring to an old man dressed like a ThunderCat. The guy had bangs, for heaven's sake! Not the most convincing movie villain I've ever seen... plus, his posse had supposedly been marooned on a desert planet for a couple decades and looked like they were one pair of legwarmers away from a Cats audition.
Yes, I know it was the frickin' EIGHTIES, but I'm not sure what the costume designers were thinking. The only, and I mean ONLY, time an antagonist has gotten away with a mullet and jumpsuit was in Labyrinth. And that was because David Bowie's incredible. Sorry, what was I talking about again?
6. The Enterprise had special shields that could be activated when the crew felt the ship was in danger. I'm no rocket scientist, but why wouldn't you just make that a default feature? Howard had a theory for this, and that was "Maybe flying around with the shields on would deplete too much power." Isn't it worth budgeting extra for that?
7. [spoiler alert] Spock DIED at the end! WHAT? I didn't even know that could happen! He's, like, the only character I could even name before watching the movie and they killed him off. Kind of harsh and, in retrospect, a poor choice for my first Star Trek experience*
Well, that about wraps up my most pressing inquiries. Feel free to enlighten me if there's anything I missed and or clearly don't understand. These are the things that keep me awake at night...
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*This technically wasn't my "first" Star Trek experience. I tried to watch the more recent, high tech, polished version that came out staring some pretty boy whose name escapes me. I didn't even make it halfway through the movie because something was rubbing me the wrong way. Then I found out that the wicked JJ Abrams had laid his cursed hands upon the film, promptly shook my fist at the sky, and went and did something more productive with my day. Which isn't saying much.
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