No, I Won't Trust You, JJ Abrams...

Ooh- J.J. Abrams has a new show on television. A new show called "Alcatraz"... well, it could be called "Babies and Puppies and Attractive Men Holding Them" and I still wouldn't tune in.

I'm sure good ol' Double J is an excellent producer, writer, and director and heaven knows he's accomplished more in his life than I have (at press time). But he is the man I hold responsible for the complete debacle that is the show "LOST" and I'm not ready to forgive and forget.

If you've never seen Lost, you can just stop reading now because you can't possibly comprehend the obscene mindKICKing (trying to keep my language PG) that the rest of us viewers endured for not one, not two, but SIX seasons. We're talking plane crashes on mysterious islands, parallel universes, obscure references to magnetic phenomena, inexplicable rules about fertility, random time travel, and a 400lb man who NEVER lost weight despite being trapped on an island for an indefinite amount of time...

We all tuned in week after week to see how it was all going to "tie together" in the end. It was as if we were in an abusive relationship for six years and kept going back, NAY, BEGGING for more... only to get engaged and be left at the altar in the series finale that would have been less insulting if a hand had just reached through the television and punched me square in the face... spoiler alert: it never tied together. And I want to throw a brick through the window of every writer on that show because I could have easily had their job: sitting in a room thinking of outlandish storylines that never have to be explained.

I could write about Lost and its shortcomings all night but now I've worked myself up and should probably go and finish making dinner for my family (priorities?) but I'll tell you one thing: I will NOT be watching Alcatraz anytime soon...

")

P.S. Unless I run out of stuff to watch on Netflix. Then it's anyone's guess what lows I'll stoop to...