Last week I traded cars with my husband. He took my 2008 silver Jetta with the missing hubcaps (thank YOU, North Chelmsford potholes) and I borrowed his new black Kia, a car that my first grade buddy refers to as the "Batmobile."
Though I usually fear driving new cars (TOO MUCH PRESSURE! Plus I'm not an ambi-parker), I was definitely enjoying the Sirius XM radio and took a break from my usual NPR binge to catch up on Howard Stern. Sure, Howard Stern is a bit of a... what's the word... "self-worshipping jerkface," but I still find his show pretty entertaining.
After a few days I finally decided that maybe my toddler shouldn't be listening to interviews with, um, ladies who get paid to "hug" a lot of people on camera. So I found a kids station called Kidsplace Live, and let me just ask: WHAT is going on in the world of children's music these days? I remember Raffi and I worked in a preschool so of course I know the Wiggles, etc... but I just wasn't prepared for the barrage of modern hits by artists with names like "Casper Babypants" and "Secret Agent 23 Skidoo." Plus a lot of the tunes, though they had great beats and talented vocalists, just ended up giving me the CREEPS.
Allow me to explain my new pet peeve with modern children's music: when full-grown adults sing lyrics as if they're children. For example, a 40-something man singing about his "mommy" and "daddy" and then asking for a "cookie" before "bedtime." Am I a horrible person to think that's WHACKED OUT?! Also, a sultry-voiced adult woman singing about how she wants to eat lollipops for dinner and pick out her own clothes... all I can think is, "What asylum is this chick confined to and why won't they let her dress herself?!" Yeah, maybe that proverbial fourth wall wouldn't be broken for children, but as a 30-YEAR-OLD WOMAN I'm just a little uncomfortable listening to a man with a deep voice talking about how cute the little girl sitting next to him is with the missing two front teeth. SOMEONE CALL THE POLICE!
But they're not all bad. Let's get back to Secret Agent 23 Skidoo. First of all: BEST NAME EVER. Second of all, this dude is like the Ludacris of children's music. I actually enjoyed some of his songs and my son was pop-lockin' in the backseat. This guy's THE MAN. And my favorite part? Some of his lyrics sound so dirty (something about a sword fight with Strawberry Shortcake-WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!) but they're not- it's just because he sounds like LUDA. Wait... am I cool enough to call him "Luda"? Now who's trying to sound young and hip?
")
Monday, April 30, 2012
Sunday, April 15, 2012
No Strings Attached
Great news! I've just decided to add "Volunteer, Unpaid Movie Critic" to my growing resume that also incudes: "Quasi-Stay-at-Home Mom," "Part-Time Babysitter," "Artist Who Works for Condiments," and "Not-for-Much-Profit-but-for-Much-Rewards Children's Book Writer/Illustrator..."
THAT SAID, yesterday (Saturday NIIIIIIIGHT) I treated myself to the mental cotton candy of a chick flick called "No Strings Attached," which popped up in the New Releases section of our 'FLIX profile. I deplore most romantic comedies, yet still choose to watch them on my own time (not unlike sneaking into a closet and devouring a pint of Ben & Jerry's. It's something that feels right at the moment, though you kind of despise yourself afterwards).
Why do I deplore rom-coms? Despite some sharp exceptions (LOVE ACTUALLY, BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY, and most British joints) they all have the same underlying theme: You can be crazy/mean/nerdy/pregnant with another man's baby and it will all work out if you are attractive.
A FEW EXAMPLES:
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
10 Things I Hate About You
She's All That
The Back-Up Plan
But today I'm here to talk about "No Strings Attached." Here's a synopsis (I'm going to try and keep in PG for any young, impressionable readers):
Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher are impossibly good-looking and successful 20-somethings who keep running into each other due to happenstance and mutual friends (the "friends" in these movies are always what save them, aren't they?)
After finding out that his Hollywood mogul father is now, um, co-habiting with his ex-girlfriend, Ashton gets viciously inebriated and calls every girl in his phone. He presumably blacks out and wakes up the next morning passed out on Natalie Portman's couch. After a humorous attempt to piece the night's events together, Ashton goes into Natalie's room and they decide to have spontaneous, er, relations. Makes sense so far, right?
Thus begins an arrangement between the two, suggested by Natalie, that they keep their relationship strictly physical without the HORRIBLE HORRIBLE ANNOYANCE of a healthy, committed relationship (cuddling? hand-holding? Eating BREAKFAST together? Don't make me THROW UP!)
Anyhow, this will come as a complete shock, but Ashton develops serious feelings for Natalie and wants to be more than just hug-buddies. Natalie is very resistant, telling him that he should instead "hug" lots of other women. The following week, when Ashton reluctantly brings home not one, but TWO women, Natalie shows up in a drunken, jealous rage and kicks both ladies to the curb. Even I felt bad for poor Ashton-I mean, talk about mixed signals!
They rekindle their fling, only to have it all fall apart when Ashton has THE COMPLETE AUDACITY to plan a romantic Valentine's evening involving mini-golf, a shared milkshake, and the inevitable walk-through-a-pretty-place-with-lights. Even worse, he tells Natalie that he may be falling for her. I mean, he almost says the L-WORD! It's just too much for Natalie, and she tells him to buzz off. At this point in the movie I am PRAYING that Ashton recognizes this seriously unhealthy pattern and makes the conscious decision to move forward and find someone who reciprocates his affections. But alas...
Natalie realizes, on the eve of her SISTER'S WEDDING, that she let a good thing go and makes a desperate two-hour drive to Ashton's place, only to HIDE IN THE BUSHES when she sees that he's on a date with someone else. Yadda yadda Ashton's dad's youthful, partying lifestyle lands him in the very hospital where Natalie works, and the rest is history. Natalie gives in to love, and everyone lives happily ever- you get it.
First off, despite the sorry premise, extreme cheapening of morals, and predictable ending, I actually give the movie 2.5 stars based solely on the clever dialogue between the protagonists' friends (who include Mindy Kaling of The Office- how do you NOT love her? And Ludacris, but let's not talk about that). Natalie Portman, an actress who I think is very talented, is phoning it in a bit (perhaps pre-production of Black Swan was in the works during filming?), and Ashton Kutcher... well, I can't stand that guy post That 70s Show. He holds his own through most of the movie, but watching him deliver lines such as "I'm afraid that if you come any closer, I'm going to hold you and never let go," is BEYOND cringe-worthy.
And what girl takes off the NIGHT BEFORE HER SISTER'S WEDDING? The best part was, the sister was totally pre-occupied with Natalie's hot pursuit. Because, y'know, the night before your wedding it should be all about your sister reconciling with a guy she blew off months ago.
Also, unless you look like Natalie Portman, hiding in a man's bushes is an engraved, self-addressed invitation for a restraining order. Trust me, I've looked into it...
")
THAT SAID, yesterday (Saturday NIIIIIIIGHT) I treated myself to the mental cotton candy of a chick flick called "No Strings Attached," which popped up in the New Releases section of our 'FLIX profile. I deplore most romantic comedies, yet still choose to watch them on my own time (not unlike sneaking into a closet and devouring a pint of Ben & Jerry's. It's something that feels right at the moment, though you kind of despise yourself afterwards).
Why do I deplore rom-coms? Despite some sharp exceptions (LOVE ACTUALLY, BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY, and most British joints) they all have the same underlying theme: You can be crazy/mean/nerdy/pregnant with another man's baby and it will all work out if you are attractive.
A FEW EXAMPLES:
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
10 Things I Hate About You
She's All That
The Back-Up Plan
But today I'm here to talk about "No Strings Attached." Here's a synopsis (I'm going to try and keep in PG for any young, impressionable readers):
Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher are impossibly good-looking and successful 20-somethings who keep running into each other due to happenstance and mutual friends (the "friends" in these movies are always what save them, aren't they?)
After finding out that his Hollywood mogul father is now, um, co-habiting with his ex-girlfriend, Ashton gets viciously inebriated and calls every girl in his phone. He presumably blacks out and wakes up the next morning passed out on Natalie Portman's couch. After a humorous attempt to piece the night's events together, Ashton goes into Natalie's room and they decide to have spontaneous, er, relations. Makes sense so far, right?
Thus begins an arrangement between the two, suggested by Natalie, that they keep their relationship strictly physical without the HORRIBLE HORRIBLE ANNOYANCE of a healthy, committed relationship (cuddling? hand-holding? Eating BREAKFAST together? Don't make me THROW UP!)
Anyhow, this will come as a complete shock, but Ashton develops serious feelings for Natalie and wants to be more than just hug-buddies. Natalie is very resistant, telling him that he should instead "hug" lots of other women. The following week, when Ashton reluctantly brings home not one, but TWO women, Natalie shows up in a drunken, jealous rage and kicks both ladies to the curb. Even I felt bad for poor Ashton-I mean, talk about mixed signals!
They rekindle their fling, only to have it all fall apart when Ashton has THE COMPLETE AUDACITY to plan a romantic Valentine's evening involving mini-golf, a shared milkshake, and the inevitable walk-through-a-pretty-place-with-lights. Even worse, he tells Natalie that he may be falling for her. I mean, he almost says the L-WORD! It's just too much for Natalie, and she tells him to buzz off. At this point in the movie I am PRAYING that Ashton recognizes this seriously unhealthy pattern and makes the conscious decision to move forward and find someone who reciprocates his affections. But alas...
Natalie realizes, on the eve of her SISTER'S WEDDING, that she let a good thing go and makes a desperate two-hour drive to Ashton's place, only to HIDE IN THE BUSHES when she sees that he's on a date with someone else. Yadda yadda Ashton's dad's youthful, partying lifestyle lands him in the very hospital where Natalie works, and the rest is history. Natalie gives in to love, and everyone lives happily ever- you get it.
First off, despite the sorry premise, extreme cheapening of morals, and predictable ending, I actually give the movie 2.5 stars based solely on the clever dialogue between the protagonists' friends (who include Mindy Kaling of The Office- how do you NOT love her? And Ludacris, but let's not talk about that). Natalie Portman, an actress who I think is very talented, is phoning it in a bit (perhaps pre-production of Black Swan was in the works during filming?), and Ashton Kutcher... well, I can't stand that guy post That 70s Show. He holds his own through most of the movie, but watching him deliver lines such as "I'm afraid that if you come any closer, I'm going to hold you and never let go," is BEYOND cringe-worthy.
And what girl takes off the NIGHT BEFORE HER SISTER'S WEDDING? The best part was, the sister was totally pre-occupied with Natalie's hot pursuit. Because, y'know, the night before your wedding it should be all about your sister reconciling with a guy she blew off months ago.
Also, unless you look like Natalie Portman, hiding in a man's bushes is an engraved, self-addressed invitation for a restraining order. Trust me, I've looked into it...
")
Sunday, April 8, 2012
What a Long Strange Churchgoing Trip It's Been
You know what's classy? Rolling out of bed after a late night of karaoke* at Clare & Don's Beach Shack, stuffing your toddler into a starchy white shirt and dress pants, and forcing him to accompany you on your biannual appearance at church in honor of Easter.
I have a little complex when it comes to church. My family went pretty regularly for the first 10 years of my life. However, deaths in the family, divorce, and relatives moving away eventually dissolved our motivation to attend. I WAS proud that we still made it every Christmas Eve and Easter, until my devoted friend James (of ski weekend surprise fame) casually said that we were on the "C&E Plan," implying that we were, I don't know, fair-weather Christians?
Anyhow, my complex has nothing to do with not liking church. It's just that every time my family attended we were always bombarded by well-intentioned individuals handing us "Newcomer" packets and welcoming us to a church we had been attending for over a decade. I guess our biannual C&E appearances were not enough to make people remember us. I know they were just being friendly, but always being mistaken for a newcomer began to wear on me and make me feel like I wasn't attending enough church (which, I will admit, was an accurate assessment).
Later on, when I went away to college in Baltimore, I tried a few more churches. The highlight of my "search for a church" was walking into one and seeing a classmate of mine banging away at a set of bongos while wearing a Bill Cosby sweater. Especially entertaining was the fact that I had no idea he even attended that church until I saw him drumming away.
A few years later, a friend introduced me to a wonderful place back in Massachusetts after I moved back home. It's called New England Chapel and I would recommend it to anyone in the area. But then I moved to New York... then Maryland... then DC... and finally Falls Church, VA.
Today I chose the church pretty much based on the fact that its service didn't interfere with my son, Grant's, nap schedule (priorities) and the two of us ventured out while my husband took his visiting parents to see the Air and Space Museum.
I passed a very crowded (and stunning) Greek Orthodox church on the way and was a little shocked to pull into an ALMOST EMPTY parking lot at the Baptist church. Oh great, how did I screw this up? I wondered as I carried my bowling-ball-marshmallow-dough boy of a son through some low-lit empty hallways. I made it up to the main worship room place (clearly I am well-versed in church architecture)and found that I was the only one there who didn't work there. The room was almost EMPTY, despite that it was ten minutes before their Easter Service was set to begin.
Long story short, more people showed up and I was soon greeted and welcomed to the church by all of them. We stayed through most of the service as Grant ran around, tested some sound equipment, danced his spastic-toddler jig, and for the grand finale made his way to the stage and put his hand straight down the front of his pants. Ladies and Gentlemen, MY SON!
Fortunately, everyone was very laid-back and entertained by Grant, and I even ran into a mother I had met months back at our local library. It was nice, but I fear maybe a little out of our way to go to on a a regular basis. Plus, if I become a regular, I won't get the star newcomer treatment that I've grown accustomed to. Yes, better stick with my original plan: sporadic visits to churches where no one knows me...
")
*My husband and I graced everyone's ears at Clare & Don's with a lovely rendition of "Truckin'" by the Grateful Dead. A sweet, tipsy 22-yr-old made a point of telling us that he had never heard that song. Kids today!
I have a little complex when it comes to church. My family went pretty regularly for the first 10 years of my life. However, deaths in the family, divorce, and relatives moving away eventually dissolved our motivation to attend. I WAS proud that we still made it every Christmas Eve and Easter, until my devoted friend James (of ski weekend surprise fame) casually said that we were on the "C&E Plan," implying that we were, I don't know, fair-weather Christians?
Anyhow, my complex has nothing to do with not liking church. It's just that every time my family attended we were always bombarded by well-intentioned individuals handing us "Newcomer" packets and welcoming us to a church we had been attending for over a decade. I guess our biannual C&E appearances were not enough to make people remember us. I know they were just being friendly, but always being mistaken for a newcomer began to wear on me and make me feel like I wasn't attending enough church (which, I will admit, was an accurate assessment).
Later on, when I went away to college in Baltimore, I tried a few more churches. The highlight of my "search for a church" was walking into one and seeing a classmate of mine banging away at a set of bongos while wearing a Bill Cosby sweater. Especially entertaining was the fact that I had no idea he even attended that church until I saw him drumming away.
A few years later, a friend introduced me to a wonderful place back in Massachusetts after I moved back home. It's called New England Chapel and I would recommend it to anyone in the area. But then I moved to New York... then Maryland... then DC... and finally Falls Church, VA.
Today I chose the church pretty much based on the fact that its service didn't interfere with my son, Grant's, nap schedule (priorities) and the two of us ventured out while my husband took his visiting parents to see the Air and Space Museum.
I passed a very crowded (and stunning) Greek Orthodox church on the way and was a little shocked to pull into an ALMOST EMPTY parking lot at the Baptist church. Oh great, how did I screw this up? I wondered as I carried my bowling-ball-marshmallow-dough boy of a son through some low-lit empty hallways. I made it up to the main worship room place (clearly I am well-versed in church architecture)and found that I was the only one there who didn't work there. The room was almost EMPTY, despite that it was ten minutes before their Easter Service was set to begin.
Long story short, more people showed up and I was soon greeted and welcomed to the church by all of them. We stayed through most of the service as Grant ran around, tested some sound equipment, danced his spastic-toddler jig, and for the grand finale made his way to the stage and put his hand straight down the front of his pants. Ladies and Gentlemen, MY SON!
Fortunately, everyone was very laid-back and entertained by Grant, and I even ran into a mother I had met months back at our local library. It was nice, but I fear maybe a little out of our way to go to on a a regular basis. Plus, if I become a regular, I won't get the star newcomer treatment that I've grown accustomed to. Yes, better stick with my original plan: sporadic visits to churches where no one knows me...
")
*My husband and I graced everyone's ears at Clare & Don's with a lovely rendition of "Truckin'" by the Grateful Dead. A sweet, tipsy 22-yr-old made a point of telling us that he had never heard that song. Kids today!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Why, Hollywood, WHY?
This morning, my husband, Howard, turned on the 'flix as he was getting ready for work. I took a shower, only to come out and be completely baffled to what was on the screen. It was some psychedelic concert featuring an unattractive-yet-enthusiastic, skinny blonde woman singing a Beatles song.
"Who IS that?" I asked, quasi-horrified.
"That's Peter Frampton," Howard explained.
"But those 'men' behind him sound like the Bee Gees..."
"Those ARE the Bee Gees."
(long pause) "What IS THIS?"
"Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band!"
"But... why aren't the Beatles in it?"
"Because they're smart."
And there you have it. The Beatles apparently had enough common sense to avoid this Hollywood pitfall and good for them.
That got me thinking- not much has changed in Tinseltown, has it? Though a handful of quality movies are still being made, I can't help but feel that Hollywood, for the most part, is phoning it in now more than ever.
This past weekend Howard and I had the incredible LUXURY of venturing out to see the Hunger Games while my step-brother, Ben (in town for a job interview) graciously babysat our wub. While the movie itself was beautifully realized and lived up to my expectations, most of the previews beforehand looked like they could have been the fake trailers from Tropic Thunder (read: ridiculous).
1. Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter: Sure, this could be good. It is, after all, produced by Tim Burton. But my biggest question is WHY? Would it be outrageous to say that the whole vampire plot has been SUCKED DRY at this point (see what I did there?) And why our 16th president? Your guess is as good as mine, but I'm sure it's just a cheap ploy to get people's attention with a recognizable name. I mean, "Lonnie Miller, Vampire Hunter" just doesn't have the same ring to it...
2. Johnny Depp/Tim Burton/Vampire Movie: I don't even remember the title of this one, but the premise is that Johnny Depp (pale faced, dark-eyed, and with an English accent. How unlike any other role he's ever had...) has a spell cast on him by a sexy witch and then wakes up a vampire in the 70s. Hilarity ensues. To be fair, the preview did look humorous and witty and who doesn't like Johnny Depp? But I'm still skeptical (ANOTHER vampire film?!)
3. Spiderman: LET. IT. GO. We get it: Boy meets spider, boy gets super powers. It's a cool, fun, story. But after numerous comics, countless cartoons, many movies, and a frickin' BROADWAY MUSICAL, would it be too much to ask that Hollywood oh, I don't know, think of something else?!
4. Titanic in 3D: Hollywood didn't phone this in; they texted it. The 2-D original was good, sure. But why do we need to flock to theaters and pay to see it again? I saw it on an awkward date in the late 90s and that was just fine thankyouverymuch. Hollywood, it's time to "let go." And, for those of you who don't know, it was also made into a musical a few years back. James Cameron must have some serious alimony payments if he needs money this badly...
5. American Reunion: This should be renamed "Remember those promising young actors from American Pie? Well, their careers have been less than spectacular in the interim and their agents really need this." But I guess that title's a bit long... Yes, it could be funny (the original sure was) but what made it funny was that it was about naive, hormone-possessed teenagers navigating new terrain. What's a 30-year-old navigating? Student loan repayment, mortgages, falling asleep in front of the tv wearing unflattering-but-confortable velour sweatpants at 9pm on a Saturday night? Not that I know anything about that...
That said, I am legitimately excited about an Anchorman sequel and, as my friend Lyn just informed me, a second Dumb & Dumber in the works. They could both be disasters, but I'd rather Hollywood take a chance on them instead of another Sex And the City Movie-though, heaven help me, an SATC prequel is being made as we speak. Why, Hollywood? WHY?
")
"Who IS that?" I asked, quasi-horrified.
"That's Peter Frampton," Howard explained.
"But those 'men' behind him sound like the Bee Gees..."
"Those ARE the Bee Gees."
(long pause) "What IS THIS?"
"Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band!"
"But... why aren't the Beatles in it?"
"Because they're smart."
And there you have it. The Beatles apparently had enough common sense to avoid this Hollywood pitfall and good for them.
That got me thinking- not much has changed in Tinseltown, has it? Though a handful of quality movies are still being made, I can't help but feel that Hollywood, for the most part, is phoning it in now more than ever.
This past weekend Howard and I had the incredible LUXURY of venturing out to see the Hunger Games while my step-brother, Ben (in town for a job interview) graciously babysat our wub. While the movie itself was beautifully realized and lived up to my expectations, most of the previews beforehand looked like they could have been the fake trailers from Tropic Thunder (read: ridiculous).
1. Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter: Sure, this could be good. It is, after all, produced by Tim Burton. But my biggest question is WHY? Would it be outrageous to say that the whole vampire plot has been SUCKED DRY at this point (see what I did there?) And why our 16th president? Your guess is as good as mine, but I'm sure it's just a cheap ploy to get people's attention with a recognizable name. I mean, "Lonnie Miller, Vampire Hunter" just doesn't have the same ring to it...
2. Johnny Depp/Tim Burton/Vampire Movie: I don't even remember the title of this one, but the premise is that Johnny Depp (pale faced, dark-eyed, and with an English accent. How unlike any other role he's ever had...) has a spell cast on him by a sexy witch and then wakes up a vampire in the 70s. Hilarity ensues. To be fair, the preview did look humorous and witty and who doesn't like Johnny Depp? But I'm still skeptical (ANOTHER vampire film?!)
3. Spiderman: LET. IT. GO. We get it: Boy meets spider, boy gets super powers. It's a cool, fun, story. But after numerous comics, countless cartoons, many movies, and a frickin' BROADWAY MUSICAL, would it be too much to ask that Hollywood oh, I don't know, think of something else?!
4. Titanic in 3D: Hollywood didn't phone this in; they texted it. The 2-D original was good, sure. But why do we need to flock to theaters and pay to see it again? I saw it on an awkward date in the late 90s and that was just fine thankyouverymuch. Hollywood, it's time to "let go." And, for those of you who don't know, it was also made into a musical a few years back. James Cameron must have some serious alimony payments if he needs money this badly...
5. American Reunion: This should be renamed "Remember those promising young actors from American Pie? Well, their careers have been less than spectacular in the interim and their agents really need this." But I guess that title's a bit long... Yes, it could be funny (the original sure was) but what made it funny was that it was about naive, hormone-possessed teenagers navigating new terrain. What's a 30-year-old navigating? Student loan repayment, mortgages, falling asleep in front of the tv wearing unflattering-but-confortable velour sweatpants at 9pm on a Saturday night? Not that I know anything about that...
That said, I am legitimately excited about an Anchorman sequel and, as my friend Lyn just informed me, a second Dumb & Dumber in the works. They could both be disasters, but I'd rather Hollywood take a chance on them instead of another Sex And the City Movie-though, heaven help me, an SATC prequel is being made as we speak. Why, Hollywood? WHY?
")
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