Are you battling a few extra pounds? Feeling guilty about your sink full of dishes and or several piles of unfolded laundry on your floor? Well stop feeling bad, sit yourself down in front the nearest television, and cue up my new favorite feel-good shows on the 'Flix (or On Demand, TiVo-whatever your poison).
1. HEAVY: It's in the vein of the "Biggest Loser," only these people make the Biggest Loser contestants look like tributes from the Hunger Games. Each episode of "Heavy" focuses on two morbidly obese people, some well into the 600lb range. No joke, these people eat cheeseburgers like they're pieces of popcorn and can barely walk from one room of their house to another.
They're sent to a fitness ranch for a month to jumpstart what will ultimately be a six month diet/exercise regimen. Their trainers are a bubbly blonde woman named Britny (that's not a typo- apparently an "e" was overkill in this woman's name) and a bald, bespectacled man with arms bigger than my Jetta.
The trainers are energetic, strict, and often fail to understand why their clients are out of breath and complaining after 17 hours on the stairmaster. "Are you really THAT tired? Sounds like you're faking it to me," a sympathetic Britny says to one woman who looks like she's on the verge of seven simultaneous heart attacks.
Anyhow, with the help of trainers, a dietitian, and a therapist, these people usually drop a good hundred pounds and look and feel so much better by the end of the six months. It's wonderfully rewarding to see them work through their emotional roadblocks (most of them have had trauma in their life) and make their way down the road to becoming the best versions of themselves. It's also wonderfully rewarding to scarf down ice cream sandwiches and take comfort in the fact that you still retain a svelte physique of under 400lbs, which most of people on this show would KILL for.
2. HOARDERS: Oh, HOARDERS. My father introduced me to this show, and for those of you who can't fathom why anyone would want to spend an hour of their life watching a documentary about someone's messy house GIVE IT A CHANCE! You will feel like MARTHA STEWART after watching this hot mess of a program!
In a nutshell, "Hoarders" focuses on people with a legitimate psychological condition that makes them almost incapable of throwing stuff out. To say that these peoples' homes are dumps would be like calling Buckingham Palace a "nice place."
Each episode showcases two households and employs the help of professional organizers, cleaners, and psychiatrists in the RIDICULOUS hope that in 48 HOURS the houses will be clean and the people who inhabit them will be "back to normal." Listen, if you have to spend half an hour convincing a woman that she doesn't need a rotten pumpkin from the late nineties, you better bet it's going to take more than two days to turn things around! But we ignorant viewers love instant gratification....
Anyhow, Hoarders is a glorious train wreck and I highly recommend it. A couple highlights include a woman whose house is so packed with junk that she has to TIE HERSELF TO A CHAIR at night to go to sleep, and a home that can count, amongst many items in its endless clutter, feline skeletons.
3. INTERVENTION: I've only seen one episode of this show, but I know I'll be watching more. It is both heartbreaking and inspiring. That said, at the end of the day I let my trivial worries fall by the wayside and rejoice in the fact that I'm not passed out in a ditch somewhere....
What is wrong with me.
")
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
Life Should Be Cheesy!
I have never considered myself obese and can say with at least 80% confidence that no one else has either. I've also never considered myself middle-aged. However, my last cholesterol test suggested that I was both of those things.
Imagine my complete shock two years ago when my numbers came back QUITE high. Yes, I was eight months pregnant at the time, and that is known to significantly increase one's cholesterol. Not to mention that I was eating pizza just about everyday....
The thing is, my husband and I were applying for life insurance and for some reason those companies don't "adjust" when you're expecting. Or when your height-to-weight ratio suggests that you're "obese." I put that word in quotations because our friend, Patrick, was once told that he was a couple pounds over the limit for his height and therefore in the "obese" category. For the record, Patrick was training for the OLYMPICS at the time and was in what I'd think we'd all call peak physical condition. It wasn't until he literally threatened to run laps around the building until he dropped two pounds that the insurance agent cut him some slack.
Anyhow, my husband has been paying a higher rate for my insurance and we should probably fix that. I have an appointment tomorrow morning and can't eat after midnight (I wanted to ask "What am I, a gremlin?" but have a track record of well-intended jokes falling on deaf ears so I just let it slide).
I guess I'm a tad concerned that my cholesterol is still high and I'll have to (GASP!) cut back on the deliciousness that is cheese. If that's the case, I may have to start a class-action lawsuit (whatever that is) against the CHELMSFORD PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM for making us sing the praises of cheese in a lame, early-nineties fabulous, food-themed pageant. A-HEM: "Dair-y foods are GOUDA for you! Just try 'em and see; brie all you can brie!"
Thanks, Chelmsford. This double-bypass is on YOU.
")
Imagine my complete shock two years ago when my numbers came back QUITE high. Yes, I was eight months pregnant at the time, and that is known to significantly increase one's cholesterol. Not to mention that I was eating pizza just about everyday....
The thing is, my husband and I were applying for life insurance and for some reason those companies don't "adjust" when you're expecting. Or when your height-to-weight ratio suggests that you're "obese." I put that word in quotations because our friend, Patrick, was once told that he was a couple pounds over the limit for his height and therefore in the "obese" category. For the record, Patrick was training for the OLYMPICS at the time and was in what I'd think we'd all call peak physical condition. It wasn't until he literally threatened to run laps around the building until he dropped two pounds that the insurance agent cut him some slack.
Anyhow, my husband has been paying a higher rate for my insurance and we should probably fix that. I have an appointment tomorrow morning and can't eat after midnight (I wanted to ask "What am I, a gremlin?" but have a track record of well-intended jokes falling on deaf ears so I just let it slide).
I guess I'm a tad concerned that my cholesterol is still high and I'll have to (GASP!) cut back on the deliciousness that is cheese. If that's the case, I may have to start a class-action lawsuit (whatever that is) against the CHELMSFORD PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM for making us sing the praises of cheese in a lame, early-nineties fabulous, food-themed pageant. A-HEM: "Dair-y foods are GOUDA for you! Just try 'em and see; brie all you can brie!"
Thanks, Chelmsford. This double-bypass is on YOU.
")
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Faking Irish Twins
The other day a friend said that she couldn't believe my son was almost two.
"Well, yeah... I mean, he will be in September," I laughed, wondering what she was getting at.
"You know what that means!" she sang, a huge grin on her face. "Almost time for another onnnnne!" I instantly began my trademark nervous talking, too-much-information rant:
"Yup! That's true! Maybe soon! I mean... no, I'm not pregnant at the moment. But who knows? Maybe next year- But, no, part of me wants to wait, like, 5 years... blah blah blah." Sometimes I wish I could just shut up but, alas, it's not who I am.
I sincerely enjoy people's opinions about ideal spacing when it comes to kids because, hey, I love talking about anything. Lately people seem to size up my year-and-a-half-old walking ball of dough and assume that another one is in the works. However, the other day I had a different, more amusing experience.
My husband and I had the pleasure of caring for our friends' cutie pie last Sunday afternoon. We walked to the park, my husband with our 18 month-old son on his shoulders and me wearing our friends' sleeping 9 month-old angel in an Ergo carrier. While a few parents saw us and seemed to immediately look away, one brazen Kate Gosselin look-alike (before the hair extensions) didn't even mask her sheer horror when she loudly inquired about the ages of our "children."
I can't even tell you how tempted I was to lie and be like, "Yup. Got pregnant with this one a week before I delivered that one!" But that whole nervous-talking-honesty-thing hit and I quickly set the record straight that only one of the sweeties was mine and the other one was on loan for the afternoon. She breathed an audible sigh of relief and grabbed her chest in a gesture suggesting that a heart attack had been narrowly avoided. Though we shared a good laugh, I can't help but feel that my Irish pallor was the cause of this stereotype. What else did she assume, that I had a pot of gold hidden under my jacket and drank Guinness for breakfast?
I know there's no magical amount of time that you should wait before having another child, but I'm glad I didn't get pregnant with a second child while I was still pregnant with my first. As for plans for the next baby, I've narrowed it down and we're going to shoot for between one and eleven years from now. Oh, and has anyone seen my Lucky Charms?
")
"Well, yeah... I mean, he will be in September," I laughed, wondering what she was getting at.
"You know what that means!" she sang, a huge grin on her face. "Almost time for another onnnnne!" I instantly began my trademark nervous talking, too-much-information rant:
"Yup! That's true! Maybe soon! I mean... no, I'm not pregnant at the moment. But who knows? Maybe next year- But, no, part of me wants to wait, like, 5 years... blah blah blah." Sometimes I wish I could just shut up but, alas, it's not who I am.
I sincerely enjoy people's opinions about ideal spacing when it comes to kids because, hey, I love talking about anything. Lately people seem to size up my year-and-a-half-old walking ball of dough and assume that another one is in the works. However, the other day I had a different, more amusing experience.
My husband and I had the pleasure of caring for our friends' cutie pie last Sunday afternoon. We walked to the park, my husband with our 18 month-old son on his shoulders and me wearing our friends' sleeping 9 month-old angel in an Ergo carrier. While a few parents saw us and seemed to immediately look away, one brazen Kate Gosselin look-alike (before the hair extensions) didn't even mask her sheer horror when she loudly inquired about the ages of our "children."
I can't even tell you how tempted I was to lie and be like, "Yup. Got pregnant with this one a week before I delivered that one!" But that whole nervous-talking-honesty-thing hit and I quickly set the record straight that only one of the sweeties was mine and the other one was on loan for the afternoon. She breathed an audible sigh of relief and grabbed her chest in a gesture suggesting that a heart attack had been narrowly avoided. Though we shared a good laugh, I can't help but feel that my Irish pallor was the cause of this stereotype. What else did she assume, that I had a pot of gold hidden under my jacket and drank Guinness for breakfast?
I know there's no magical amount of time that you should wait before having another child, but I'm glad I didn't get pregnant with a second child while I was still pregnant with my first. As for plans for the next baby, I've narrowed it down and we're going to shoot for between one and eleven years from now. Oh, and has anyone seen my Lucky Charms?
")
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Valentine's Day Encore...
Recently, I wrote about a complete lack of dignity in reference to a teenage crush who I am just calling "Don". Though the Mystery Match debacle was most likely the lowest I've EVER stooped to get a guy's attention, this instance can certainly be considered an admirable "runner up". I'll try to be brief...
When I was a sophomore in high school, Don was a junior, which meant that his class was running elections for class president of the following year. It turns out that his best friend was running, and what better way to impress Don than by showing my full support for his buddy? To make matters all the more pathetic, this was AFTER the Mystery Match incident. My blind hope rivaled that of Jim Carrey in Dumb & Dumber after his love interest tells him there's a one in a million chance of them ever getting together and he replies: "So you're saying there's a chance..."
Anyhow, money must have been tight for Don's friend, because he was promoting himself by handing out burger king crowns with his last name scribbled in Sharpie on them. LUCKY FOR ME, I scored one of these crowns and wore it proudly throughout the days of the campaign. I even made sure I had it on when I was leaving my last class, which was across the hall from Don's last class. I just knew that when Don saw me backing his friend in an election that I wasn't even eligible to vote in he would forget about his pending restraining order and run straight into my arms.
My friend Beth, always a sweetheart and forever a saint for putting up with me that year, gave me a heartfelt answer after I asked her how my crown looked.
"It looks good! Well, about as good as a paper crown can look...."
I feel I should also note that Don's friend's last name was "HO". Yes, you have that correct. I wore a Burger King crown with the word "HO" on it. Voluntarily. In hopes of promoting myself as girlfriend material.
I'd like to take this moment to thank my husband, who actually KNEW me in high school, for marrying me anyhow...
")
When I was a sophomore in high school, Don was a junior, which meant that his class was running elections for class president of the following year. It turns out that his best friend was running, and what better way to impress Don than by showing my full support for his buddy? To make matters all the more pathetic, this was AFTER the Mystery Match incident. My blind hope rivaled that of Jim Carrey in Dumb & Dumber after his love interest tells him there's a one in a million chance of them ever getting together and he replies: "So you're saying there's a chance..."
Anyhow, money must have been tight for Don's friend, because he was promoting himself by handing out burger king crowns with his last name scribbled in Sharpie on them. LUCKY FOR ME, I scored one of these crowns and wore it proudly throughout the days of the campaign. I even made sure I had it on when I was leaving my last class, which was across the hall from Don's last class. I just knew that when Don saw me backing his friend in an election that I wasn't even eligible to vote in he would forget about his pending restraining order and run straight into my arms.
My friend Beth, always a sweetheart and forever a saint for putting up with me that year, gave me a heartfelt answer after I asked her how my crown looked.
"It looks good! Well, about as good as a paper crown can look...."
I feel I should also note that Don's friend's last name was "HO". Yes, you have that correct. I wore a Burger King crown with the word "HO" on it. Voluntarily. In hopes of promoting myself as girlfriend material.
I'd like to take this moment to thank my husband, who actually KNEW me in high school, for marrying me anyhow...
")
Thursday, March 1, 2012
AA Equals Overrated
To be clear, I'm referring to the "Academy Awards". Not "Alcoholics Anonymous," which I'm sure is not the least bit overrated....
Last Sunday I sat through all ten hours of the Academy Awards, despite having only seen "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" and "Moneyball". It was pretty fun having a few friends over and relentlessly critiquing millions of dollars worth of couture as I sat in a Red Sox bean bag chair wearing a shirt with a hole under the arm and ill-fitting ripped jeans.
In no particular order, I'd like to touch upon a few points....
ANGELINA JOLIE: Since the camera adds 10lbs, judging by my calculations she weighs about 70.... I know we all come in different shapes and sizes, but GIRL EAT SOMETHING! You have six children and, according to the most recent cover of OK! Magazine at the grocery store, another set of twins on the way....
MERYL STREEP WINNING BEST ACTRESS: I didn't see Behind the Iron Curtain or whatever that Margaret Thatcher movie is called, but was there a nude scene? I feel like 95% of the women who win for Best Actress have to AT LEAST be topless in their films, which is why I was shocked that Rooney Mara didn't take home the statuette...
"THE ARTIST": This movie better knock my freakin' socks off if and when I get around to seeing it. I recently heard that the average Academy member who votes is over 60 so that makes sense that they'd go ape over a black and white silent film. I have a feeling, however, that this movie will go in the category of "well-made films that I have no desire to see".
"AVATAR": My father still won't see it because there's "too much blue". You can imagine his horror when I asked him if he would see "The Artist".
SOUND EDITING vs. SOUND MIXING: One of my friends is outraged that most people don't know the difference between the two. Andy, if you're reading this, could you please explain? I am one of those idiots ")
"MAN OR MUPPET": I think we all grapple with this existential crisis. I am so happy this song won, because I love Bret McKenzie and Flight of the Conchords. But is it just me or did the Academy just phone in another random nomination with that song from the animated movie with the rainbow birds? Weren't there ANY other original songs in 2011?!
WOODY ALLEN: I like most of his work, but what a tool. First he marries his stepdaughter and then he doesn't show up to except his ACADEMY AWARD. I think the Oscars should institute a rule that, barring extreme circumstances, awards can only be given to people who actually want to receive them.
SEAT-FILLING: Is this a real thing? How do I get in on this?
ANIMATED SHORT FILMS: Well, they look cool but I have never in my life heard of ANY of them until they're nominated. How do you even see them? Are they in theaters or do you have to know someone?!
BEST POINT OF THE NIGHT FROM MY HUSBAND: "How come they cut people's speeches short but they have all this time for montages and a Cirque du Soleil performance?!"
EXACTLY. Well, Academy, I hope you had a lovely time celebrating yourself. That was another six hours of my life that I'll never get back. And yet, come next year, I'll probably sit through the entire mess again....
")
Last Sunday I sat through all ten hours of the Academy Awards, despite having only seen "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" and "Moneyball". It was pretty fun having a few friends over and relentlessly critiquing millions of dollars worth of couture as I sat in a Red Sox bean bag chair wearing a shirt with a hole under the arm and ill-fitting ripped jeans.
In no particular order, I'd like to touch upon a few points....
ANGELINA JOLIE: Since the camera adds 10lbs, judging by my calculations she weighs about 70.... I know we all come in different shapes and sizes, but GIRL EAT SOMETHING! You have six children and, according to the most recent cover of OK! Magazine at the grocery store, another set of twins on the way....
MERYL STREEP WINNING BEST ACTRESS: I didn't see Behind the Iron Curtain or whatever that Margaret Thatcher movie is called, but was there a nude scene? I feel like 95% of the women who win for Best Actress have to AT LEAST be topless in their films, which is why I was shocked that Rooney Mara didn't take home the statuette...
"THE ARTIST": This movie better knock my freakin' socks off if and when I get around to seeing it. I recently heard that the average Academy member who votes is over 60 so that makes sense that they'd go ape over a black and white silent film. I have a feeling, however, that this movie will go in the category of "well-made films that I have no desire to see".
"AVATAR": My father still won't see it because there's "too much blue". You can imagine his horror when I asked him if he would see "The Artist".
SOUND EDITING vs. SOUND MIXING: One of my friends is outraged that most people don't know the difference between the two. Andy, if you're reading this, could you please explain? I am one of those idiots ")
"MAN OR MUPPET": I think we all grapple with this existential crisis. I am so happy this song won, because I love Bret McKenzie and Flight of the Conchords. But is it just me or did the Academy just phone in another random nomination with that song from the animated movie with the rainbow birds? Weren't there ANY other original songs in 2011?!
WOODY ALLEN: I like most of his work, but what a tool. First he marries his stepdaughter and then he doesn't show up to except his ACADEMY AWARD. I think the Oscars should institute a rule that, barring extreme circumstances, awards can only be given to people who actually want to receive them.
SEAT-FILLING: Is this a real thing? How do I get in on this?
ANIMATED SHORT FILMS: Well, they look cool but I have never in my life heard of ANY of them until they're nominated. How do you even see them? Are they in theaters or do you have to know someone?!
BEST POINT OF THE NIGHT FROM MY HUSBAND: "How come they cut people's speeches short but they have all this time for montages and a Cirque du Soleil performance?!"
EXACTLY. Well, Academy, I hope you had a lovely time celebrating yourself. That was another six hours of my life that I'll never get back. And yet, come next year, I'll probably sit through the entire mess again....
")
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