Why, Hollywood, WHY?

This morning, my husband, Howard, turned on the 'flix as he was getting ready for work. I took a shower, only to come out and be completely baffled to what was on the screen. It was some psychedelic concert featuring an unattractive-yet-enthusiastic, skinny blonde woman singing a Beatles song.

"Who IS that?" I asked, quasi-horrified.
"That's Peter Frampton," Howard explained.
"But those 'men' behind him sound like the Bee Gees..."
"Those ARE the Bee Gees."
(long pause) "What IS THIS?"
"Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band!"
"But... why aren't the Beatles in it?"
"Because they're smart."

And there you have it. The Beatles apparently had enough common sense to avoid this Hollywood pitfall and good for them.

That got me thinking- not much has changed in Tinseltown, has it? Though a handful of quality movies are still being made, I can't help but feel that Hollywood, for the most part, is phoning it in now more than ever.

This past weekend Howard and I had the incredible LUXURY of venturing out to see the Hunger Games while my step-brother, Ben (in town for a job interview) graciously babysat our wub. While the movie itself was beautifully realized and lived up to my expectations, most of the previews beforehand looked like they could have been the fake trailers from Tropic Thunder (read: ridiculous).

1. Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter: Sure, this could be good. It is, after all, produced by Tim Burton. But my biggest question is WHY? Would it be outrageous to say that the whole vampire plot has been SUCKED DRY at this point (see what I did there?) And why our 16th president? Your guess is as good as mine, but I'm sure it's just a cheap ploy to get people's attention with a recognizable name. I mean, "Lonnie Miller, Vampire Hunter" just doesn't have the same ring to it...

2. Johnny Depp/Tim Burton/Vampire Movie: I don't even remember the title of this one, but the premise is that Johnny Depp (pale faced, dark-eyed, and with an English accent. How unlike any other role he's ever had...) has a spell cast on him by a sexy witch and then wakes up a vampire in the 70s. Hilarity ensues. To be fair, the preview did look humorous and witty and who doesn't like Johnny Depp? But I'm still skeptical (ANOTHER vampire film?!)

3. Spiderman: LET. IT. GO. We get it: Boy meets spider, boy gets super powers. It's a cool, fun, story. But after numerous comics, countless cartoons, many movies, and a frickin' BROADWAY MUSICAL, would it be too much to ask that Hollywood oh, I don't know, think of something else?!

4. Titanic in 3D: Hollywood didn't phone this in; they texted it. The 2-D original was good, sure. But why do we need to flock to theaters and pay to see it again? I saw it on an awkward date in the late 90s and that was just fine thankyouverymuch. Hollywood, it's time to "let go." And, for those of you who don't know, it was also made into a musical a few years back. James Cameron must have some serious alimony payments if he needs money this badly...

5. American Reunion: This should be renamed "Remember those promising young actors from American Pie? Well, their careers have been less than spectacular in the interim and their agents really need this." But I guess that title's a bit long... Yes, it could be funny (the original sure was) but what made it funny was that it was about naive, hormone-possessed teenagers navigating new terrain. What's a 30-year-old navigating? Student loan repayment, mortgages, falling asleep in front of the tv wearing unflattering-but-confortable velour sweatpants at 9pm on a Saturday night? Not that I know anything about that...

That said, I am legitimately excited about an Anchorman sequel and, as my friend Lyn just informed me, a second Dumb & Dumber in the works. They could both be disasters, but I'd rather Hollywood take a chance on them instead of another Sex And the City Movie-though, heaven help me, an SATC prequel is being made as we speak. Why, Hollywood? WHY?

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