No Strings Attached

Great news! I've just decided to add "Volunteer, Unpaid Movie Critic" to my growing resume that also incudes: "Quasi-Stay-at-Home Mom," "Part-Time Babysitter," "Artist Who Works for Condiments," and "Not-for-Much-Profit-but-for-Much-Rewards Children's Book Writer/Illustrator..."

THAT SAID, yesterday (Saturday NIIIIIIIGHT) I treated myself to the mental cotton candy of a chick flick called "No Strings Attached," which popped up in the New Releases section of our 'FLIX profile. I deplore most romantic comedies, yet still choose to watch them on my own time (not unlike sneaking into a closet and devouring a pint of Ben & Jerry's. It's something that feels right at the moment, though you kind of despise yourself afterwards).

Why do I deplore rom-coms? Despite some sharp exceptions (LOVE ACTUALLY, BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY, and most British joints) they all have the same underlying theme: You can be crazy/mean/nerdy/pregnant with another man's baby and it will all work out if you are attractive.

A FEW EXAMPLES:

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
10 Things I Hate About You
She's All That
The Back-Up Plan

But today I'm here to talk about "No Strings Attached." Here's a synopsis (I'm going to try and keep in PG for any young, impressionable readers):

Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher are impossibly good-looking and successful 20-somethings who keep running into each other due to happenstance and mutual friends (the "friends" in these movies are always what save them, aren't they?)

After finding out that his Hollywood mogul father is now, um, co-habiting with his ex-girlfriend, Ashton gets viciously inebriated and calls every girl in his phone. He presumably blacks out and wakes up the next morning passed out on Natalie Portman's couch. After a humorous attempt to piece the night's events together, Ashton goes into Natalie's room and they decide to have spontaneous, er, relations. Makes sense so far, right?

Thus begins an arrangement between the two, suggested by Natalie, that they keep their relationship strictly physical without the HORRIBLE HORRIBLE ANNOYANCE of a healthy, committed relationship (cuddling? hand-holding? Eating BREAKFAST together? Don't make me THROW UP!)

Anyhow, this will come as a complete shock, but Ashton develops serious feelings for Natalie and wants to be more than just hug-buddies. Natalie is very resistant, telling him that he should instead "hug" lots of other women. The following week, when Ashton reluctantly brings home not one, but TWO women, Natalie shows up in a drunken, jealous rage and kicks both ladies to the curb. Even I felt bad for poor Ashton-I mean, talk about mixed signals!

They rekindle their fling, only to have it all fall apart when Ashton has THE COMPLETE AUDACITY to plan a romantic Valentine's evening involving mini-golf, a shared milkshake, and the inevitable walk-through-a-pretty-place-with-lights. Even worse, he tells Natalie that he may be falling for her. I mean, he almost says the L-WORD! It's just too much for Natalie, and she tells him to buzz off. At this point in the movie I am PRAYING that Ashton recognizes this seriously unhealthy pattern and makes the conscious decision to move forward and find someone who reciprocates his affections. But alas...

Natalie realizes, on the eve of her SISTER'S WEDDING, that she let a good thing go and makes a desperate two-hour drive to Ashton's place, only to HIDE IN THE BUSHES when she sees that he's on a date with someone else. Yadda yadda Ashton's dad's youthful, partying lifestyle lands him in the very hospital where Natalie works, and the rest is history. Natalie gives in to love, and everyone lives happily ever- you get it.

First off, despite the sorry premise, extreme cheapening of morals, and predictable ending, I actually give the movie 2.5 stars based solely on the clever dialogue between the protagonists' friends (who include Mindy Kaling of The Office- how do you NOT love her? And Ludacris, but let's not talk about that). Natalie Portman, an actress who I think is very talented, is phoning it in a bit (perhaps pre-production of Black Swan was in the works during filming?), and Ashton Kutcher... well, I can't stand that guy post That 70s Show. He holds his own through most of the movie, but watching him deliver lines such as "I'm afraid that if you come any closer, I'm going to hold you and never let go," is BEYOND cringe-worthy.

And what girl takes off the NIGHT BEFORE HER SISTER'S WEDDING? The best part was, the sister was totally pre-occupied with Natalie's hot pursuit. Because, y'know, the night before your wedding it should be all about your sister reconciling with a guy she blew off months ago.

Also, unless you look like Natalie Portman, hiding in a man's bushes is an engraved, self-addressed invitation for a restraining order. Trust me, I've looked into it...

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