AA Equals Overrated

To be clear, I'm referring to the "Academy Awards". Not "Alcoholics Anonymous," which I'm sure is not the least bit overrated....

Last Sunday I sat through all ten hours of the Academy Awards, despite having only seen "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" and "Moneyball". It was pretty fun having a few friends over and relentlessly critiquing millions of dollars worth of couture as I sat in a Red Sox bean bag chair wearing a shirt with a hole under the arm and ill-fitting ripped jeans.

In no particular order, I'd like to touch upon a few points....

ANGELINA JOLIE: Since the camera adds 10lbs, judging by my calculations she weighs about 70.... I know we all come in different shapes and sizes, but GIRL EAT SOMETHING! You have six children and, according to the most recent cover of OK! Magazine at the grocery store, another set of twins on the way....

MERYL STREEP WINNING BEST ACTRESS: I didn't see Behind the Iron Curtain or whatever that Margaret Thatcher movie is called, but was there a nude scene? I feel like 95% of the women who win for Best Actress have to AT LEAST be topless in their films, which is why I was shocked that Rooney Mara didn't take home the statuette...

"THE ARTIST": This movie better knock my freakin' socks off if and when I get around to seeing it. I recently heard that the average Academy member who votes is over 60 so that makes sense that they'd go ape over a black and white silent film. I have a feeling, however, that this movie will go in the category of "well-made films that I have no desire to see".

"AVATAR": My father still won't see it because there's "too much blue". You can imagine his horror when I asked him if he would see "The Artist".

SOUND EDITING vs. SOUND MIXING: One of my friends is outraged that most people don't know the difference between the two. Andy, if you're reading this, could you please explain? I am one of those idiots ")

"MAN OR MUPPET": I think we all grapple with this existential crisis. I am so happy this song won, because I love Bret McKenzie and Flight of the Conchords. But is it just me or did the Academy just phone in another random nomination with that song from the animated movie with the rainbow birds? Weren't there ANY other original songs in 2011?!

WOODY ALLEN: I like most of his work, but what a tool. First he marries his stepdaughter and then he doesn't show up to except his ACADEMY AWARD. I think the Oscars should institute a rule that, barring extreme circumstances, awards can only be given to people who actually want to receive them.

SEAT-FILLING: Is this a real thing? How do I get in on this?

ANIMATED SHORT FILMS: Well, they look cool but I have never in my life heard of ANY of them until they're nominated. How do you even see them? Are they in theaters or do you have to know someone?!

BEST POINT OF THE NIGHT FROM MY HUSBAND: "How come they cut people's speeches short but they have all this time for montages and a Cirque du Soleil performance?!"

EXACTLY. Well, Academy, I hope you had a lovely time celebrating yourself. That was another six hours of my life that I'll never get back. And yet, come next year, I'll probably sit through the entire mess again....


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