You know what's classy? Rolling out of bed after a late night of karaoke* at Clare & Don's Beach Shack, stuffing your toddler into a starchy white shirt and dress pants, and forcing him to accompany you on your biannual appearance at church in honor of Easter.
I have a little complex when it comes to church. My family went pretty regularly for the first 10 years of my life. However, deaths in the family, divorce, and relatives moving away eventually dissolved our motivation to attend. I WAS proud that we still made it every Christmas Eve and Easter, until my devoted friend James (of ski weekend surprise fame) casually said that we were on the "C&E Plan," implying that we were, I don't know, fair-weather Christians?
Anyhow, my complex has nothing to do with not liking church. It's just that every time my family attended we were always bombarded by well-intentioned individuals handing us "Newcomer" packets and welcoming us to a church we had been attending for over a decade. I guess our biannual C&E appearances were not enough to make people remember us. I know they were just being friendly, but always being mistaken for a newcomer began to wear on me and make me feel like I wasn't attending enough church (which, I will admit, was an accurate assessment).
Later on, when I went away to college in Baltimore, I tried a few more churches. The highlight of my "search for a church" was walking into one and seeing a classmate of mine banging away at a set of bongos while wearing a Bill Cosby sweater. Especially entertaining was the fact that I had no idea he even attended that church until I saw him drumming away.
A few years later, a friend introduced me to a wonderful place back in Massachusetts after I moved back home. It's called New England Chapel and I would recommend it to anyone in the area. But then I moved to New York... then Maryland... then DC... and finally Falls Church, VA.
Today I chose the church pretty much based on the fact that its service didn't interfere with my son, Grant's, nap schedule (priorities) and the two of us ventured out while my husband took his visiting parents to see the Air and Space Museum.
I passed a very crowded (and stunning) Greek Orthodox church on the way and was a little shocked to pull into an ALMOST EMPTY parking lot at the Baptist church. Oh great, how did I screw this up? I wondered as I carried my bowling-ball-marshmallow-dough boy of a son through some low-lit empty hallways. I made it up to the main worship room place (clearly I am well-versed in church architecture)and found that I was the only one there who didn't work there. The room was almost EMPTY, despite that it was ten minutes before their Easter Service was set to begin.
Long story short, more people showed up and I was soon greeted and welcomed to the church by all of them. We stayed through most of the service as Grant ran around, tested some sound equipment, danced his spastic-toddler jig, and for the grand finale made his way to the stage and put his hand straight down the front of his pants. Ladies and Gentlemen, MY SON!
Fortunately, everyone was very laid-back and entertained by Grant, and I even ran into a mother I had met months back at our local library. It was nice, but I fear maybe a little out of our way to go to on a a regular basis. Plus, if I become a regular, I won't get the star newcomer treatment that I've grown accustomed to. Yes, better stick with my original plan: sporadic visits to churches where no one knows me...
")
*My husband and I graced everyone's ears at Clare & Don's with a lovely rendition of "Truckin'" by the Grateful Dead. A sweet, tipsy 22-yr-old made a point of telling us that he had never heard that song. Kids today!
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Why, Hollywood, WHY?
This morning, my husband, Howard, turned on the 'flix as he was getting ready for work. I took a shower, only to come out and be completely baffled to what was on the screen. It was some psychedelic concert featuring an unattractive-yet-enthusiastic, skinny blonde woman singing a Beatles song.
"Who IS that?" I asked, quasi-horrified.
"That's Peter Frampton," Howard explained.
"But those 'men' behind him sound like the Bee Gees..."
"Those ARE the Bee Gees."
(long pause) "What IS THIS?"
"Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band!"
"But... why aren't the Beatles in it?"
"Because they're smart."
And there you have it. The Beatles apparently had enough common sense to avoid this Hollywood pitfall and good for them.
That got me thinking- not much has changed in Tinseltown, has it? Though a handful of quality movies are still being made, I can't help but feel that Hollywood, for the most part, is phoning it in now more than ever.
This past weekend Howard and I had the incredible LUXURY of venturing out to see the Hunger Games while my step-brother, Ben (in town for a job interview) graciously babysat our wub. While the movie itself was beautifully realized and lived up to my expectations, most of the previews beforehand looked like they could have been the fake trailers from Tropic Thunder (read: ridiculous).
1. Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter: Sure, this could be good. It is, after all, produced by Tim Burton. But my biggest question is WHY? Would it be outrageous to say that the whole vampire plot has been SUCKED DRY at this point (see what I did there?) And why our 16th president? Your guess is as good as mine, but I'm sure it's just a cheap ploy to get people's attention with a recognizable name. I mean, "Lonnie Miller, Vampire Hunter" just doesn't have the same ring to it...
2. Johnny Depp/Tim Burton/Vampire Movie: I don't even remember the title of this one, but the premise is that Johnny Depp (pale faced, dark-eyed, and with an English accent. How unlike any other role he's ever had...) has a spell cast on him by a sexy witch and then wakes up a vampire in the 70s. Hilarity ensues. To be fair, the preview did look humorous and witty and who doesn't like Johnny Depp? But I'm still skeptical (ANOTHER vampire film?!)
3. Spiderman: LET. IT. GO. We get it: Boy meets spider, boy gets super powers. It's a cool, fun, story. But after numerous comics, countless cartoons, many movies, and a frickin' BROADWAY MUSICAL, would it be too much to ask that Hollywood oh, I don't know, think of something else?!
4. Titanic in 3D: Hollywood didn't phone this in; they texted it. The 2-D original was good, sure. But why do we need to flock to theaters and pay to see it again? I saw it on an awkward date in the late 90s and that was just fine thankyouverymuch. Hollywood, it's time to "let go." And, for those of you who don't know, it was also made into a musical a few years back. James Cameron must have some serious alimony payments if he needs money this badly...
5. American Reunion: This should be renamed "Remember those promising young actors from American Pie? Well, their careers have been less than spectacular in the interim and their agents really need this." But I guess that title's a bit long... Yes, it could be funny (the original sure was) but what made it funny was that it was about naive, hormone-possessed teenagers navigating new terrain. What's a 30-year-old navigating? Student loan repayment, mortgages, falling asleep in front of the tv wearing unflattering-but-confortable velour sweatpants at 9pm on a Saturday night? Not that I know anything about that...
That said, I am legitimately excited about an Anchorman sequel and, as my friend Lyn just informed me, a second Dumb & Dumber in the works. They could both be disasters, but I'd rather Hollywood take a chance on them instead of another Sex And the City Movie-though, heaven help me, an SATC prequel is being made as we speak. Why, Hollywood? WHY?
")
"Who IS that?" I asked, quasi-horrified.
"That's Peter Frampton," Howard explained.
"But those 'men' behind him sound like the Bee Gees..."
"Those ARE the Bee Gees."
(long pause) "What IS THIS?"
"Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band!"
"But... why aren't the Beatles in it?"
"Because they're smart."
And there you have it. The Beatles apparently had enough common sense to avoid this Hollywood pitfall and good for them.
That got me thinking- not much has changed in Tinseltown, has it? Though a handful of quality movies are still being made, I can't help but feel that Hollywood, for the most part, is phoning it in now more than ever.
This past weekend Howard and I had the incredible LUXURY of venturing out to see the Hunger Games while my step-brother, Ben (in town for a job interview) graciously babysat our wub. While the movie itself was beautifully realized and lived up to my expectations, most of the previews beforehand looked like they could have been the fake trailers from Tropic Thunder (read: ridiculous).
1. Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter: Sure, this could be good. It is, after all, produced by Tim Burton. But my biggest question is WHY? Would it be outrageous to say that the whole vampire plot has been SUCKED DRY at this point (see what I did there?) And why our 16th president? Your guess is as good as mine, but I'm sure it's just a cheap ploy to get people's attention with a recognizable name. I mean, "Lonnie Miller, Vampire Hunter" just doesn't have the same ring to it...
2. Johnny Depp/Tim Burton/Vampire Movie: I don't even remember the title of this one, but the premise is that Johnny Depp (pale faced, dark-eyed, and with an English accent. How unlike any other role he's ever had...) has a spell cast on him by a sexy witch and then wakes up a vampire in the 70s. Hilarity ensues. To be fair, the preview did look humorous and witty and who doesn't like Johnny Depp? But I'm still skeptical (ANOTHER vampire film?!)
3. Spiderman: LET. IT. GO. We get it: Boy meets spider, boy gets super powers. It's a cool, fun, story. But after numerous comics, countless cartoons, many movies, and a frickin' BROADWAY MUSICAL, would it be too much to ask that Hollywood oh, I don't know, think of something else?!
4. Titanic in 3D: Hollywood didn't phone this in; they texted it. The 2-D original was good, sure. But why do we need to flock to theaters and pay to see it again? I saw it on an awkward date in the late 90s and that was just fine thankyouverymuch. Hollywood, it's time to "let go." And, for those of you who don't know, it was also made into a musical a few years back. James Cameron must have some serious alimony payments if he needs money this badly...
5. American Reunion: This should be renamed "Remember those promising young actors from American Pie? Well, their careers have been less than spectacular in the interim and their agents really need this." But I guess that title's a bit long... Yes, it could be funny (the original sure was) but what made it funny was that it was about naive, hormone-possessed teenagers navigating new terrain. What's a 30-year-old navigating? Student loan repayment, mortgages, falling asleep in front of the tv wearing unflattering-but-confortable velour sweatpants at 9pm on a Saturday night? Not that I know anything about that...
That said, I am legitimately excited about an Anchorman sequel and, as my friend Lyn just informed me, a second Dumb & Dumber in the works. They could both be disasters, but I'd rather Hollywood take a chance on them instead of another Sex And the City Movie-though, heaven help me, an SATC prequel is being made as we speak. Why, Hollywood? WHY?
")
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
A Heavy Hoarder Intervention
Are you battling a few extra pounds? Feeling guilty about your sink full of dishes and or several piles of unfolded laundry on your floor? Well stop feeling bad, sit yourself down in front the nearest television, and cue up my new favorite feel-good shows on the 'Flix (or On Demand, TiVo-whatever your poison).
1. HEAVY: It's in the vein of the "Biggest Loser," only these people make the Biggest Loser contestants look like tributes from the Hunger Games. Each episode of "Heavy" focuses on two morbidly obese people, some well into the 600lb range. No joke, these people eat cheeseburgers like they're pieces of popcorn and can barely walk from one room of their house to another.
They're sent to a fitness ranch for a month to jumpstart what will ultimately be a six month diet/exercise regimen. Their trainers are a bubbly blonde woman named Britny (that's not a typo- apparently an "e" was overkill in this woman's name) and a bald, bespectacled man with arms bigger than my Jetta.
The trainers are energetic, strict, and often fail to understand why their clients are out of breath and complaining after 17 hours on the stairmaster. "Are you really THAT tired? Sounds like you're faking it to me," a sympathetic Britny says to one woman who looks like she's on the verge of seven simultaneous heart attacks.
Anyhow, with the help of trainers, a dietitian, and a therapist, these people usually drop a good hundred pounds and look and feel so much better by the end of the six months. It's wonderfully rewarding to see them work through their emotional roadblocks (most of them have had trauma in their life) and make their way down the road to becoming the best versions of themselves. It's also wonderfully rewarding to scarf down ice cream sandwiches and take comfort in the fact that you still retain a svelte physique of under 400lbs, which most of people on this show would KILL for.
2. HOARDERS: Oh, HOARDERS. My father introduced me to this show, and for those of you who can't fathom why anyone would want to spend an hour of their life watching a documentary about someone's messy house GIVE IT A CHANCE! You will feel like MARTHA STEWART after watching this hot mess of a program!
In a nutshell, "Hoarders" focuses on people with a legitimate psychological condition that makes them almost incapable of throwing stuff out. To say that these peoples' homes are dumps would be like calling Buckingham Palace a "nice place."
Each episode showcases two households and employs the help of professional organizers, cleaners, and psychiatrists in the RIDICULOUS hope that in 48 HOURS the houses will be clean and the people who inhabit them will be "back to normal." Listen, if you have to spend half an hour convincing a woman that she doesn't need a rotten pumpkin from the late nineties, you better bet it's going to take more than two days to turn things around! But we ignorant viewers love instant gratification....
Anyhow, Hoarders is a glorious train wreck and I highly recommend it. A couple highlights include a woman whose house is so packed with junk that she has to TIE HERSELF TO A CHAIR at night to go to sleep, and a home that can count, amongst many items in its endless clutter, feline skeletons.
3. INTERVENTION: I've only seen one episode of this show, but I know I'll be watching more. It is both heartbreaking and inspiring. That said, at the end of the day I let my trivial worries fall by the wayside and rejoice in the fact that I'm not passed out in a ditch somewhere....
What is wrong with me.
")
1. HEAVY: It's in the vein of the "Biggest Loser," only these people make the Biggest Loser contestants look like tributes from the Hunger Games. Each episode of "Heavy" focuses on two morbidly obese people, some well into the 600lb range. No joke, these people eat cheeseburgers like they're pieces of popcorn and can barely walk from one room of their house to another.
They're sent to a fitness ranch for a month to jumpstart what will ultimately be a six month diet/exercise regimen. Their trainers are a bubbly blonde woman named Britny (that's not a typo- apparently an "e" was overkill in this woman's name) and a bald, bespectacled man with arms bigger than my Jetta.
The trainers are energetic, strict, and often fail to understand why their clients are out of breath and complaining after 17 hours on the stairmaster. "Are you really THAT tired? Sounds like you're faking it to me," a sympathetic Britny says to one woman who looks like she's on the verge of seven simultaneous heart attacks.
Anyhow, with the help of trainers, a dietitian, and a therapist, these people usually drop a good hundred pounds and look and feel so much better by the end of the six months. It's wonderfully rewarding to see them work through their emotional roadblocks (most of them have had trauma in their life) and make their way down the road to becoming the best versions of themselves. It's also wonderfully rewarding to scarf down ice cream sandwiches and take comfort in the fact that you still retain a svelte physique of under 400lbs, which most of people on this show would KILL for.
2. HOARDERS: Oh, HOARDERS. My father introduced me to this show, and for those of you who can't fathom why anyone would want to spend an hour of their life watching a documentary about someone's messy house GIVE IT A CHANCE! You will feel like MARTHA STEWART after watching this hot mess of a program!
In a nutshell, "Hoarders" focuses on people with a legitimate psychological condition that makes them almost incapable of throwing stuff out. To say that these peoples' homes are dumps would be like calling Buckingham Palace a "nice place."
Each episode showcases two households and employs the help of professional organizers, cleaners, and psychiatrists in the RIDICULOUS hope that in 48 HOURS the houses will be clean and the people who inhabit them will be "back to normal." Listen, if you have to spend half an hour convincing a woman that she doesn't need a rotten pumpkin from the late nineties, you better bet it's going to take more than two days to turn things around! But we ignorant viewers love instant gratification....
Anyhow, Hoarders is a glorious train wreck and I highly recommend it. A couple highlights include a woman whose house is so packed with junk that she has to TIE HERSELF TO A CHAIR at night to go to sleep, and a home that can count, amongst many items in its endless clutter, feline skeletons.
3. INTERVENTION: I've only seen one episode of this show, but I know I'll be watching more. It is both heartbreaking and inspiring. That said, at the end of the day I let my trivial worries fall by the wayside and rejoice in the fact that I'm not passed out in a ditch somewhere....
What is wrong with me.
")
Monday, March 19, 2012
Life Should Be Cheesy!
I have never considered myself obese and can say with at least 80% confidence that no one else has either. I've also never considered myself middle-aged. However, my last cholesterol test suggested that I was both of those things.
Imagine my complete shock two years ago when my numbers came back QUITE high. Yes, I was eight months pregnant at the time, and that is known to significantly increase one's cholesterol. Not to mention that I was eating pizza just about everyday....
The thing is, my husband and I were applying for life insurance and for some reason those companies don't "adjust" when you're expecting. Or when your height-to-weight ratio suggests that you're "obese." I put that word in quotations because our friend, Patrick, was once told that he was a couple pounds over the limit for his height and therefore in the "obese" category. For the record, Patrick was training for the OLYMPICS at the time and was in what I'd think we'd all call peak physical condition. It wasn't until he literally threatened to run laps around the building until he dropped two pounds that the insurance agent cut him some slack.
Anyhow, my husband has been paying a higher rate for my insurance and we should probably fix that. I have an appointment tomorrow morning and can't eat after midnight (I wanted to ask "What am I, a gremlin?" but have a track record of well-intended jokes falling on deaf ears so I just let it slide).
I guess I'm a tad concerned that my cholesterol is still high and I'll have to (GASP!) cut back on the deliciousness that is cheese. If that's the case, I may have to start a class-action lawsuit (whatever that is) against the CHELMSFORD PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM for making us sing the praises of cheese in a lame, early-nineties fabulous, food-themed pageant. A-HEM: "Dair-y foods are GOUDA for you! Just try 'em and see; brie all you can brie!"
Thanks, Chelmsford. This double-bypass is on YOU.
")
Imagine my complete shock two years ago when my numbers came back QUITE high. Yes, I was eight months pregnant at the time, and that is known to significantly increase one's cholesterol. Not to mention that I was eating pizza just about everyday....
The thing is, my husband and I were applying for life insurance and for some reason those companies don't "adjust" when you're expecting. Or when your height-to-weight ratio suggests that you're "obese." I put that word in quotations because our friend, Patrick, was once told that he was a couple pounds over the limit for his height and therefore in the "obese" category. For the record, Patrick was training for the OLYMPICS at the time and was in what I'd think we'd all call peak physical condition. It wasn't until he literally threatened to run laps around the building until he dropped two pounds that the insurance agent cut him some slack.
Anyhow, my husband has been paying a higher rate for my insurance and we should probably fix that. I have an appointment tomorrow morning and can't eat after midnight (I wanted to ask "What am I, a gremlin?" but have a track record of well-intended jokes falling on deaf ears so I just let it slide).
I guess I'm a tad concerned that my cholesterol is still high and I'll have to (GASP!) cut back on the deliciousness that is cheese. If that's the case, I may have to start a class-action lawsuit (whatever that is) against the CHELMSFORD PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM for making us sing the praises of cheese in a lame, early-nineties fabulous, food-themed pageant. A-HEM: "Dair-y foods are GOUDA for you! Just try 'em and see; brie all you can brie!"
Thanks, Chelmsford. This double-bypass is on YOU.
")
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Faking Irish Twins
The other day a friend said that she couldn't believe my son was almost two.
"Well, yeah... I mean, he will be in September," I laughed, wondering what she was getting at.
"You know what that means!" she sang, a huge grin on her face. "Almost time for another onnnnne!" I instantly began my trademark nervous talking, too-much-information rant:
"Yup! That's true! Maybe soon! I mean... no, I'm not pregnant at the moment. But who knows? Maybe next year- But, no, part of me wants to wait, like, 5 years... blah blah blah." Sometimes I wish I could just shut up but, alas, it's not who I am.
I sincerely enjoy people's opinions about ideal spacing when it comes to kids because, hey, I love talking about anything. Lately people seem to size up my year-and-a-half-old walking ball of dough and assume that another one is in the works. However, the other day I had a different, more amusing experience.
My husband and I had the pleasure of caring for our friends' cutie pie last Sunday afternoon. We walked to the park, my husband with our 18 month-old son on his shoulders and me wearing our friends' sleeping 9 month-old angel in an Ergo carrier. While a few parents saw us and seemed to immediately look away, one brazen Kate Gosselin look-alike (before the hair extensions) didn't even mask her sheer horror when she loudly inquired about the ages of our "children."
I can't even tell you how tempted I was to lie and be like, "Yup. Got pregnant with this one a week before I delivered that one!" But that whole nervous-talking-honesty-thing hit and I quickly set the record straight that only one of the sweeties was mine and the other one was on loan for the afternoon. She breathed an audible sigh of relief and grabbed her chest in a gesture suggesting that a heart attack had been narrowly avoided. Though we shared a good laugh, I can't help but feel that my Irish pallor was the cause of this stereotype. What else did she assume, that I had a pot of gold hidden under my jacket and drank Guinness for breakfast?
I know there's no magical amount of time that you should wait before having another child, but I'm glad I didn't get pregnant with a second child while I was still pregnant with my first. As for plans for the next baby, I've narrowed it down and we're going to shoot for between one and eleven years from now. Oh, and has anyone seen my Lucky Charms?
")
"Well, yeah... I mean, he will be in September," I laughed, wondering what she was getting at.
"You know what that means!" she sang, a huge grin on her face. "Almost time for another onnnnne!" I instantly began my trademark nervous talking, too-much-information rant:
"Yup! That's true! Maybe soon! I mean... no, I'm not pregnant at the moment. But who knows? Maybe next year- But, no, part of me wants to wait, like, 5 years... blah blah blah." Sometimes I wish I could just shut up but, alas, it's not who I am.
I sincerely enjoy people's opinions about ideal spacing when it comes to kids because, hey, I love talking about anything. Lately people seem to size up my year-and-a-half-old walking ball of dough and assume that another one is in the works. However, the other day I had a different, more amusing experience.
My husband and I had the pleasure of caring for our friends' cutie pie last Sunday afternoon. We walked to the park, my husband with our 18 month-old son on his shoulders and me wearing our friends' sleeping 9 month-old angel in an Ergo carrier. While a few parents saw us and seemed to immediately look away, one brazen Kate Gosselin look-alike (before the hair extensions) didn't even mask her sheer horror when she loudly inquired about the ages of our "children."
I can't even tell you how tempted I was to lie and be like, "Yup. Got pregnant with this one a week before I delivered that one!" But that whole nervous-talking-honesty-thing hit and I quickly set the record straight that only one of the sweeties was mine and the other one was on loan for the afternoon. She breathed an audible sigh of relief and grabbed her chest in a gesture suggesting that a heart attack had been narrowly avoided. Though we shared a good laugh, I can't help but feel that my Irish pallor was the cause of this stereotype. What else did she assume, that I had a pot of gold hidden under my jacket and drank Guinness for breakfast?
I know there's no magical amount of time that you should wait before having another child, but I'm glad I didn't get pregnant with a second child while I was still pregnant with my first. As for plans for the next baby, I've narrowed it down and we're going to shoot for between one and eleven years from now. Oh, and has anyone seen my Lucky Charms?
")
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Valentine's Day Encore...
Recently, I wrote about a complete lack of dignity in reference to a teenage crush who I am just calling "Don". Though the Mystery Match debacle was most likely the lowest I've EVER stooped to get a guy's attention, this instance can certainly be considered an admirable "runner up". I'll try to be brief...
When I was a sophomore in high school, Don was a junior, which meant that his class was running elections for class president of the following year. It turns out that his best friend was running, and what better way to impress Don than by showing my full support for his buddy? To make matters all the more pathetic, this was AFTER the Mystery Match incident. My blind hope rivaled that of Jim Carrey in Dumb & Dumber after his love interest tells him there's a one in a million chance of them ever getting together and he replies: "So you're saying there's a chance..."
Anyhow, money must have been tight for Don's friend, because he was promoting himself by handing out burger king crowns with his last name scribbled in Sharpie on them. LUCKY FOR ME, I scored one of these crowns and wore it proudly throughout the days of the campaign. I even made sure I had it on when I was leaving my last class, which was across the hall from Don's last class. I just knew that when Don saw me backing his friend in an election that I wasn't even eligible to vote in he would forget about his pending restraining order and run straight into my arms.
My friend Beth, always a sweetheart and forever a saint for putting up with me that year, gave me a heartfelt answer after I asked her how my crown looked.
"It looks good! Well, about as good as a paper crown can look...."
I feel I should also note that Don's friend's last name was "HO". Yes, you have that correct. I wore a Burger King crown with the word "HO" on it. Voluntarily. In hopes of promoting myself as girlfriend material.
I'd like to take this moment to thank my husband, who actually KNEW me in high school, for marrying me anyhow...
")
When I was a sophomore in high school, Don was a junior, which meant that his class was running elections for class president of the following year. It turns out that his best friend was running, and what better way to impress Don than by showing my full support for his buddy? To make matters all the more pathetic, this was AFTER the Mystery Match incident. My blind hope rivaled that of Jim Carrey in Dumb & Dumber after his love interest tells him there's a one in a million chance of them ever getting together and he replies: "So you're saying there's a chance..."
Anyhow, money must have been tight for Don's friend, because he was promoting himself by handing out burger king crowns with his last name scribbled in Sharpie on them. LUCKY FOR ME, I scored one of these crowns and wore it proudly throughout the days of the campaign. I even made sure I had it on when I was leaving my last class, which was across the hall from Don's last class. I just knew that when Don saw me backing his friend in an election that I wasn't even eligible to vote in he would forget about his pending restraining order and run straight into my arms.
My friend Beth, always a sweetheart and forever a saint for putting up with me that year, gave me a heartfelt answer after I asked her how my crown looked.
"It looks good! Well, about as good as a paper crown can look...."
I feel I should also note that Don's friend's last name was "HO". Yes, you have that correct. I wore a Burger King crown with the word "HO" on it. Voluntarily. In hopes of promoting myself as girlfriend material.
I'd like to take this moment to thank my husband, who actually KNEW me in high school, for marrying me anyhow...
")
Thursday, March 1, 2012
AA Equals Overrated
To be clear, I'm referring to the "Academy Awards". Not "Alcoholics Anonymous," which I'm sure is not the least bit overrated....
Last Sunday I sat through all ten hours of the Academy Awards, despite having only seen "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" and "Moneyball". It was pretty fun having a few friends over and relentlessly critiquing millions of dollars worth of couture as I sat in a Red Sox bean bag chair wearing a shirt with a hole under the arm and ill-fitting ripped jeans.
In no particular order, I'd like to touch upon a few points....
ANGELINA JOLIE: Since the camera adds 10lbs, judging by my calculations she weighs about 70.... I know we all come in different shapes and sizes, but GIRL EAT SOMETHING! You have six children and, according to the most recent cover of OK! Magazine at the grocery store, another set of twins on the way....
MERYL STREEP WINNING BEST ACTRESS: I didn't see Behind the Iron Curtain or whatever that Margaret Thatcher movie is called, but was there a nude scene? I feel like 95% of the women who win for Best Actress have to AT LEAST be topless in their films, which is why I was shocked that Rooney Mara didn't take home the statuette...
"THE ARTIST": This movie better knock my freakin' socks off if and when I get around to seeing it. I recently heard that the average Academy member who votes is over 60 so that makes sense that they'd go ape over a black and white silent film. I have a feeling, however, that this movie will go in the category of "well-made films that I have no desire to see".
"AVATAR": My father still won't see it because there's "too much blue". You can imagine his horror when I asked him if he would see "The Artist".
SOUND EDITING vs. SOUND MIXING: One of my friends is outraged that most people don't know the difference between the two. Andy, if you're reading this, could you please explain? I am one of those idiots ")
"MAN OR MUPPET": I think we all grapple with this existential crisis. I am so happy this song won, because I love Bret McKenzie and Flight of the Conchords. But is it just me or did the Academy just phone in another random nomination with that song from the animated movie with the rainbow birds? Weren't there ANY other original songs in 2011?!
WOODY ALLEN: I like most of his work, but what a tool. First he marries his stepdaughter and then he doesn't show up to except his ACADEMY AWARD. I think the Oscars should institute a rule that, barring extreme circumstances, awards can only be given to people who actually want to receive them.
SEAT-FILLING: Is this a real thing? How do I get in on this?
ANIMATED SHORT FILMS: Well, they look cool but I have never in my life heard of ANY of them until they're nominated. How do you even see them? Are they in theaters or do you have to know someone?!
BEST POINT OF THE NIGHT FROM MY HUSBAND: "How come they cut people's speeches short but they have all this time for montages and a Cirque du Soleil performance?!"
EXACTLY. Well, Academy, I hope you had a lovely time celebrating yourself. That was another six hours of my life that I'll never get back. And yet, come next year, I'll probably sit through the entire mess again....
")
Last Sunday I sat through all ten hours of the Academy Awards, despite having only seen "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" and "Moneyball". It was pretty fun having a few friends over and relentlessly critiquing millions of dollars worth of couture as I sat in a Red Sox bean bag chair wearing a shirt with a hole under the arm and ill-fitting ripped jeans.
In no particular order, I'd like to touch upon a few points....
ANGELINA JOLIE: Since the camera adds 10lbs, judging by my calculations she weighs about 70.... I know we all come in different shapes and sizes, but GIRL EAT SOMETHING! You have six children and, according to the most recent cover of OK! Magazine at the grocery store, another set of twins on the way....
MERYL STREEP WINNING BEST ACTRESS: I didn't see Behind the Iron Curtain or whatever that Margaret Thatcher movie is called, but was there a nude scene? I feel like 95% of the women who win for Best Actress have to AT LEAST be topless in their films, which is why I was shocked that Rooney Mara didn't take home the statuette...
"THE ARTIST": This movie better knock my freakin' socks off if and when I get around to seeing it. I recently heard that the average Academy member who votes is over 60 so that makes sense that they'd go ape over a black and white silent film. I have a feeling, however, that this movie will go in the category of "well-made films that I have no desire to see".
"AVATAR": My father still won't see it because there's "too much blue". You can imagine his horror when I asked him if he would see "The Artist".
SOUND EDITING vs. SOUND MIXING: One of my friends is outraged that most people don't know the difference between the two. Andy, if you're reading this, could you please explain? I am one of those idiots ")
"MAN OR MUPPET": I think we all grapple with this existential crisis. I am so happy this song won, because I love Bret McKenzie and Flight of the Conchords. But is it just me or did the Academy just phone in another random nomination with that song from the animated movie with the rainbow birds? Weren't there ANY other original songs in 2011?!
WOODY ALLEN: I like most of his work, but what a tool. First he marries his stepdaughter and then he doesn't show up to except his ACADEMY AWARD. I think the Oscars should institute a rule that, barring extreme circumstances, awards can only be given to people who actually want to receive them.
SEAT-FILLING: Is this a real thing? How do I get in on this?
ANIMATED SHORT FILMS: Well, they look cool but I have never in my life heard of ANY of them until they're nominated. How do you even see them? Are they in theaters or do you have to know someone?!
BEST POINT OF THE NIGHT FROM MY HUSBAND: "How come they cut people's speeches short but they have all this time for montages and a Cirque du Soleil performance?!"
EXACTLY. Well, Academy, I hope you had a lovely time celebrating yourself. That was another six hours of my life that I'll never get back. And yet, come next year, I'll probably sit through the entire mess again....
")
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